


What's A Girl Like You...

by Arcaratus



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), DCU, Dark Knight Rises (2012), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, rarepair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-07 19:17:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4274904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcaratus/pseuds/Arcaratus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's simple, really, Dick had a crush, a quite unrequited crush... Too bad that Dick wasn't one for following the rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody Likes Dick(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting of Superheroes...

"And this is the Watchtower!" Superman gestured to the modern satellite, mostly for his unimpressed guests' benefit.

"Wooow," Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man AKA Supreme-Pain-In-The-Ass, said in the most exaggerated tone of voice that he could muster, once he exited the zeta tube.

Natasha Romanov, AKA as Black Widow simply raised an eyebrow that conveyed more than a million words.

"Umm, excuse, Stark," Steve, Captain America himself apologized for his teammate's rudeness.

"No worries, wait 'till you meet Batman!" Superman replied with all of his faux-cheerfulness and All-American charm. 

"Isn't he supposed to be all broody and all?"

"Yep."

"Can't wait!"

"So this is the control room, and that person over there with the dark and dreary fashion sense who, additionally looks all broody is the Batman! You could probably tell, with the scowl and the cowl!"

The Batman grunted as he was introduced to the Avengers, and he continued to stare intently at the computer screen, much to Tony's annoyance. "Yo Batman! Anybody there?" Tony turned to face the others, "Ummm, guys, I think we've been swindled, no way that's an actual person under that scowl - I meant cowl! That's probably some kind of robot or something, so yeah, sorry, show's over, lets go meet actual people!" with that, Tony spun on his heel and started towards the exit.

"Tony - " Steve began as he grabbed Tony by his collar.

"Hey, watch your hands Capsicle! I mean, I know you like Armani and all, but there's no need to try and tear it off of me!" Tony slapped Steve's hand away and began poking rather determinedly at Batman's form. "Look! No way that there is actually somebody underneath all that," Tony waved to the hulking figure that was the Batman.

Out of nowhere, Batman grabbed Tony's hand and twisted - Tony was suddenly being choked by the arm that was previously poking Batman. "Will you please stop that incessant poking?" Batman demanded in his trademark growly growl.

"Nope!" Tony replied cheerfully.

"That's lovely."

"I know! Right? Everybody always says that! I chalk it all up to my people-y charm!"

"That's fantastic!" A thin, lithe figure in a black, skintight uniform with light blue stripes forming a bird flipped off of the rafters that it was previously perched on to land right in front of Tony, obviously shocking the billionaire.

"Whoa! What is this? The circus?"

The figure winced a nearly imperceptible bit, before holding out his gloved hand, "Nightwing, Batman's first son, and awesomeness incarnate, pleasure to meet you Mister Tin and Pyrite!"

Natasha cackled at Tony's shocked reactions and hurt expression.

Nightwing sidled up to Natasha and inquired, "Now, what's a nice girl like you doing with this group of buffoons, and in such a place?!"

Natasha's smirked, much resembling the Cheshire Cat, "Well," she drawled, "I could say the same for you..."

Nightwing recoiled dramatically, "My lady, you wound me!"

"I'm nobody's lady," She snapped.

"You say that -" 

Nightwing obviously did not know when to give up, as he continued to flirt with her to no avail, much to his chagrin. Eventually, though, Natasha tired of his attempts to "woo" her, and after a particularly disastrous attempt that invoked her femininity, she kneed him in the groin before stalking off.

Silence descended on the room of spectators who were observing the unfolding scene with mixtures of enjoyment, pain, embarrassment, and joy. Nightwing after falling from the impact of the strike, popped back up and asked:  "So, is that a rain check for the date?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up... the Wayne Gala, and Tony and Bruce's pissing contest - who will win? Also, Selina and Natasha know each other? The world of men is doomed!


	2. The Wayne Gala! (Or What Was the Wayne Gala...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epic "battle" between two rich billionaires! Who will win? And, we learn of the epic friendship between two very, very, scary women.

"I like you, kid," Tony Stark commented once all of the shaky laughter from the others stopped, "Why don't you cut it off with Batman and come with me? God knows you'll make our little meet-and-greet here better..."

"What's so bad about the JLA?" Nightwing asked, as although the League had its problems, none of them really called for a desertion - unless one really could not bear Allen and West's coffee spree - okay, so maybe quitting wasn't really that bad of an idea.

"Oh, no, Stark just means that since we have to stay in Gotham, the stay will be the worst experience of his superhero career," Bruce Banner barked a laugh as he explained to the puzzled League members, especially at Tony's grimace.

"Ok, I'll bite, what's so bad in Gotham that even Tony Stark would be upset about going?" Nightwing asked cheerfully, much to the assembled Avenger's amusement.

"I take offence!" Tony said, and continued, "The reason, oh Young One, that Gotham is  _so_ terrible is the fact that Brucie-Bear will be there, and we have to go to the Wayne Gala!" Tony informed NIghtwing, with much contempt and venom laced in his words. Nightwing actually looked even more confused by his explanation, as he could see no reason why the presence of Bruce Wayne would be so terrible as to make one not "enjoy" Gotham and all of its "attractions". Especially since there were things and people in Gotham much worse than a philanthropic, rich playboy.

Sensing Nighwing's confusion, Steve graciously explained for his benefit, and the assembled members of the League's bemusement, "Tony and Wayne apparently used to be friends or something, but they had a falling out:  Tony feels that he has outgrown the playboy scene, and that Wayne has not." 

Tony harrumphed in agreement.

At Steve's explanation, all of the League, including, believe it or not, Batman, and Natasha either laughed, raised their eyebrows, or smirked, much to Tony's confusion and annoyance.

* * *

 "Ughhhhh, why do I have to be here again?" Tony whined while picking at his tie, to the other Avengers' amusement.

"Because we were in town, and pissing off Bruce Wayne isn't the smartest thing to do, even if you are Tony Stark," Steve reminded him patiently, just like he had a dozen times earlier in the evening, while he simultaneously scanned for their absent host.

"Tony! What a pleasure to see you!" Bruce Wayne himself appeared, with a beautiful brunette on his arm.

"Well speak of the devil," The man in question muttered under his breath.

Bruce ignored him, and plowed right on. "What are you doing in Gotham? You never come anymore!" Wayne pouted. "One would think you were avoiding me!"

"Now, whyever would I do that?" Tony asked in his patented, Stark-Sarcasm voice.

"Honey, I think Tony really just doesn't like you, maybe we should just let him be," the brunette quietly, and seemingly shyly (although her dress suggested otherwise) stage-whispered to her date and tugged on his arm. (Selina's dress is [here](http://www.gotceleb.com/wp-content/uploads/celebrities/anne-hathaway/the-iron-lady-premiere-in-nyc/Anne%20Hathaway%20-%20Black%20Dress%20Candids%20at%20The%20Iron%20Lady%20Premiere-02.jpg))

"Really, Selina? I was under the impression that Tony and I were the best of friends!" Bruce, seemingly oblivious to all of the I-hate-you signs that Tony was leaking, continued, "After all, he and I were inseparable in college! Or at least, the first three years."

"Well, I really don't associate with people who are beneath me anymore..." Tony drawled condescendingly.

"Beneath you! Wayne Enterprises and all of its branches are ranked higher than your little enterprise, _and_ we don't make tools of mass destruction!"

"SO???? SI is still better!"

Both of the  _grown_ me continued to quarrel and bicker, much to their friends and date's chagrin.

Suddenly, Selina spotted someone in the crowd, and she gratefully waved her over. "Tasha! Finally! Now I have backup! Ready to go wreck the kids and chew them out?"

Natasha weaved her way through the crowd and grinned, "Are they bugging you? If so, of course! Just like old times?"

Selina smirked, "Just like old times!"

* * *

Clint, who was observing the scene with a mix of fascination and horror nudged the person next to him, who just so happened to be Dick Grayson, and commented, "Is it just me, or do Wayne's arm candy and Tasha know each other?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, Nat's amazing," Dick replied dreamily. Then, as if in a daze, he snapped himself out of his stupor, "Wait, Lina's no arm candy, if she and Natasha are friends..." Dick did some quick math in his head, "We're doomed!" he moaned, not in the least over-dramatically - nope, not at all.

"Why?" Clint was interested in how the female friendship could be harmful in any way.

"Watch," Dick replied melodramatically.

* * *

Selina and Natasha marched over to the bickering billionaires, and they kicked their respective man-child's' in the shins. "Owww!" they whined, once more in unison.

Selina and Natasha shared an identical look of annoyance, anger, and something akin to glee.

Selina and Natasha once more kicked the billionaires, this time somewhere that hurt a lot more.

Selina and Natasha then started glaring daggers at the man-children.

Clint, who was observing with Dick, saw the glares focused on Wayne and Stark, and he began to feel an ice cold terror, somewhere deep in his stomach, it chilled him to his core, as he began to realize the dangers of Nat being friends with someone like Selina. That was definitely something to watch out for, and if it really was going to mean his doom, as Dick so simply put it, he was at least going to have an edge over everyone else, since he alone knew what to watch out for. At least, Clint  _thought_ he did...

Selina and Natasha started hissing something to the billionaires. The billionaires, understandably, were looking even more terrified by the moment. Heck, even Steve looked scared, and he was Captain America!

Selina and Natasha grabbed not very kindly the arm of their respective billionaire and led them away.

Clint released the breath that he was holding in, and resolved to buy Nat the nice vodka next time.

Dick simply continued to stare in awe.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up in the tales of wooing Tasha... Team training! Of course, in typical superhero fashion, it ends in disaster! Or does it?
> 
> BTW: I'm using TDKR Catwoman, just so you know.  
> I feel that I also didn't do to justice the sheer terror of an angry Catwoman and a pissed off Black Widow, but, they were in public, oh well...


	3. Team Whating?!?! Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teams' training commences! Who will emerge victorious? Definitely not a certain Dick!

"Alrighty people!" Steve clapped his hands as he addressed his team. Stark was fiddling on his suit, Banner was meditating, the spyassassins were in the air ducts, probably playing tag, Rhodes was blasting around with Wilson, Pietro and Wanda were zipping around the room on his back, and Thor was messily munching on pop tarts. Yep! That was his team! Earth's Mightiest Heroes everyone! "People!" Steve tried once more, this time with no more success than the last time. "PEOPLE!" Steve shouted at the top of his lungs and... nothing! Seriously! What did he have to do to get their attention? Steve had a flash of inspiration. He hefted his shield and... 

CLING! Everyone turned towards the sound. "Oww!" Tony rubbed his armoured shoulder. "Cap, I know you need attention, but do you have to be that needy?"

"Yeah, I mean, one would think that Captain America himself wouldn't resort to such petty tactics for a little bit of attention, right?" Clint snarked from his spot in the shafts.

Steve seethed. "Stark, stop being such a, a, an arse!"

"Wow! The boy scout can curse! Good job! Lets give him a hand!" Stark applauded. 

"Whatever! You all better have yourself and anything you need for today ready in 15 minutes, we have team training with the JLA today," Steve announced before stalking off to his room.

"I'll show him whose an arse," Tony muttered.

Banner and the rest of the team snorted, greatly annoying Tony.

Tony scowled.

* * *

"Welcome to Team Training!" Superman greeted the Avengers as they entered the Watchtower and he began to lead them to the training area "I hope you're all ready - Batman's pretty brutal with training!" Superman warned the guests as they neared the training area.

"How can somebody say something like that with a smile?" Clint hissed to Natasha.

Natasha smirked, and asked, "Shouldn't you be leading training, with being the leader and all?"

"Nope!" Superman replied cheerfully, "I'm not even the leader! Just part of the team in charge!"

Steve's eyes bugged out, he couldn't imagine something like this, not one person in charge, but a team? And the leader isn't even the liaison? Or the training leader? What was happening in this world?

 Noticing Steve's expression, Tony laughed and started to comment before Superman cut him off, "Also, if any of you decide to quit be ready for some major pain,"

"Quit? Nothing can be that bad!" Tony commented, as even Cap's workout sessions weren't even that bad.

"When it's all over, see if you'll say that." Superman said, as he bid the Avengers farewell.

"What," Tony snorted, "Was Batsy taught by some league of psychos?"

"Something like that!" Nightwing swung from his perch and flipped to stand in front of the Avengers.

"Gah!" Tony covered his eyes, "It's hideous!"

Nightwing rolled his eyes, seriously, how did somebody manage to do that in a full body suit? "Whatever Stark, and Batman was trained by and follows the regimen of the League of Assassins, so yeah, be scared."

Tony snorted, "Seriously? The League of Assassins?"

Natasha punched Tony in the arm, "Don't kid, the League is not only real, but aptly named!"

"And very petty!" A black haired man swung from the rafters and came up to stand in front of the Avengers. He too wore a mask, but you could still see the rest of his face. There was somethings crossing over his chest to form an "X", and he was covered in red. He grinned and stuck out his hand, "Red Robin, don't you dare say yum, and you people must be the ones' about to suffer B's evil torture method known as Team Training! Tell you what, if you live through it, I'll give you a sticker!"

Tony grinned, "I want one! I mean, why does Batsy get all of these amazing people, and I get to have, you guys," Tony sniffed in disdain as he mentioned his team. "It's not fair! I have to live with you people, and Batsy gets those amazing people who would be great as Avengers!" Tony finished speaking with a very distinguished whine, much to everybody's amusement.

* * *

 

Batman and the rest of his entourage appeared. Three girls, one in a wheelchair, another blonde, and one Asian. All were in uniform except for the red-haired handicapped girl. A boy in green and red, and a man in red with a hood and armed to the teeth stood at their side."Is everybody here?" Batman asked, and, without waiting for an answer, he clapped his hands. "Alright then, lets get started, shall we? We'll have a little example match between Wing and Batgirl, kay?" Without waiting for an answer, Batman plowed on, "Okay, you two, get on the mats, everybody else, watch and learn."

The blonde and Nightwing got in a ring. Each bowed, before grinning. 

"Start!" Batman barked out.

Nightwing and Batgirl began circling each other. Batgirl smirked lazily, and Nightwing grinned ferally. Suddenly, Batgirl struck. Nightwing blocked lazily before flipping forward in the air to avoid the sweeping kick aimed to trip him, and he seemingly  _flew_ backwards to send a flurry of punches and kicks that Batgirl all blocked before spinning in the air to bend his back and flip  _over_ Batgirl and he aimed a kick at her exposed back.

The Avengers all saw this and drew in a breath.

But, before Nightwing's kick could connect, Batgirl flattened herself against the floor and kicked Nightwing's knee in. Nightwing was forced to once more flip over Batgirl, and she used that moment to flip herself to a standing position, and she tried to once more attack Nightwing with punches and kicks faster than the eye could follow.

"Really Blondie? Is that all you've got?" Nightwing asked as he blocked every strike before contorting his body so that he could take Batgirl down with a feinted punch and spinning kick to her side, before following up with a sweeping kick, and then he pounced, landing gracefully so that he was softly resting on top of Batgirl.

All of the Avengers began applauding, even Natasha, who was supposed to be used to that kind of thing, but they were quickly stopped by movement in the ring.

Batgirl, who seemed to be limp, suddenly  **flipped** Nightwing, a man who was probably double her weight, onto the mats, and she smiled that same, lazy grin that had graced her face a couple minutes prior. "I win!" she cheered.

All of the Avengers stared flabbergasted at the scene before them before once more applauding.

Nightwing suddenly contorted his body impossibly so that he slithered out of the hold Batgirl had on him before popping up. "And that, my friends, is how to have a friendly sparring match! Who's next?"

Tony's jaw dropped, and he whined, "I WANT ONE!!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up... Team Training Part 2! If there are any people you would kill to see fight, tell me and I'll make it happen!
> 
> FYI: In case any of you were wondering, Black Canary is the leader. Go ladies! ;-)


	4. Team Whating?!?! Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team training part 2! Match-ups include...  
> Batman - War Machine  
> Batgirl - Cap  
> Thor - Black Bat  
> Fun!

Batgirl smiled good-naturedly, "Sorry, but we're all taken, call when Batman's gone, and we'll tell you when the auction is."

"THIS. IS. UN. FAIR!!!! THE. WORLD. HATES. ME!!!!" Tony whined.

"Okay, playtime's over," Batman, who was apparently a member of the Lets-Sneak-Up-On-People-Silently-And-Scare-The-Ever-Living-Shit-Out-Of-Them club, piped up, thoroughly scaring the ever-living shit out of Tony.

"But...But...But I like being a child!" Nightwing whined.

Batman rolled his eyes and began barking orders, "Lets have some normal, friendly sparring just like with Batgirl and Nightwing first. Let's see - Black Bat, you can go against..." Batman looked at each Avenger, thoroughly assessing each of them, "Thor. He _might_ be able to handle Cass," Batman grinned wickedly to himself, and his grin only widened when the Avengers saw who Black Bat was, and the incredulous expressions on their faces as they compared Thor and Black Bat.

"No way! Thor's Asgardian! You guys are impressive and all, but, no way that, tiny little girl could go against him! He's a god!" Tony burst out, as he and the other Avengers could really not see Black Bat go against Thor. His biceps were bigger than her head!

"I must agree with the Man of Iron!" Thor boomed, "You are impressive for Midgardians, but she is smaller than even the average Midgardian!"

"Wanna bet?" Batgirl and Nightwing asked.

"Well, duh!" Tony announced, "And when we win, we get out of training, and Tall-Dark-And-Brooding over there lets one of us take off that cowl!"

"Deal!" This time, it was Batman who spoke. "And if Black Bat wins, you people stop whining, and -"

"You help with the next mission we go on!" Nightwing interceded. 

"You're on kids!" Tony smirked in smug anticipation.

* * *

"This is not happening! I am watching this and I don't believe it!" Tony could not believe his eyes. Thor versus Black Bat, and Black Bat was winning! Thor might have super strength, but Black Bat had mad skills. "JARVIS, please tell me that you're recording this!"

"I am, Sir."

Every time Thor tried to land a blow, Black Bat would slip away and land a couple blows before Thor could reach her. She would flip, slither, and dance out of everything Thor tried. What was most impressive, however, was the fact that her blows seemed to actually affect Thor! He was visibly slowing down, his movements were less graceful, and his blows seemed to be lacking in strength. Black Bat seemed to be having fun, and toying with Thor. Her movements were swift and precise, but she seemed to stay in one place for a moment too long, letting Thor get close, then slipping away. "Quit playing! Hurry up and take him down, already!" Nightwing and Batgirl called out to the grinning Black Bat, as the "fight" had been going on for nearly ten minutes.

Black Bat sighed, and she whirled in a blur. Twisting and turning, and doing something that nobody but the Bats' could really discern until Thor was lying on the ground in a fetal position.

And then, silence.

"And, I believe that means we've won," Nightwing drawled from his perch on the ceiling that he had somehow gotten to without anyone noticing.

"Bu...Bu...But..." Tony couldn't help it, for the first time since forever, he was rendered speechless! And by that little slip of a girl!

CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! "Good job," the other Avengers began applauding for a bashful Black Bat, and Tony sighed in defeat, "Aww, I really wanted to know who the Batty Fam was!" Everybody, including the Avengers laughed at Tony's sullen expression.

"Next up, Batgirl and Captain America! Any questions?" Batman announced blandly, as if he had not just witnessed a girl nowhere near 100 lbs soaking wet take down a _god_! He was met with silence and blank stares, and Batman took that as his cue to continue. "Watch closely, because this is probably the most even match we'll have."

* * *

Steve could not, in any way whatsoever understand how this match-up was anywhere in the realm of fairness. He was being tossed around by Batgirl like a rag-doll! Every attack he tried was swiftly evaded and Batgirl would flip and disappear before coming back and throwing him on his back. The vicious cycle had been going on for 15 minutes, and Steve was starting to feel tired, and in a last ditch attempt to end the match, he charged headfirst at Batgirl, but before getting close enough to make hypothetical contact and be inevitably thwarted, he turned to find Batgirl in front of him, as expected. Steve used his nanosecond of Batgirl's surprise to try and throw her, but he was quickly stopped. Somehow, in his excitement and getting the better of Batgirl, he had forgotten that she was much, much smaller than her. Batgirl smiled in delight. "Forgot you're no longer 110 lbs?" she quipped.

Steve barely processed that, as Batgirl slipped in between Steve's legs, and kicked at the small of his back with more force than should have been physically possible. Steve grunted as he fell, and Batgirl used that moment to press her advantage. She pressed a foot to his neck and smiled, "I win! Poor Cap was spoiled!"

* * *

Rhodey was over it. He knew that the Bats' were superior to them in every way, but did he really have to endure all of this torture? Of all of the Avengers, he had to go against the big Bat himself! Sometimes, he felt that the world just enjoyed making fun of him. First, he had to put up with Tony Stark. Next, he had to put up with the rest of the Avengers. Now, he was being thoroughly thrashed by BATMAN! His life was terrible.

Batman nimbly dodged his strike, and returned with a jab at Rhodey's solar plexus, before executing a spinning kick that knocked Rhodey to the floor. "Is that all you've got?" Batman taunted. 

Rhodey grimaced before firing a repulsor shot at Batman's taunting figure. Of course, Batman nimbly dodged it and threw a couple of EMP batarangs at him that temporarily immobilized him. Oh, and Rhodey forgot to mention, he was in his suit! The War Machine suit that was supposed to make him super!

Tony winced as he observed the fight. The suit that he made, the suit that was supposed to be invincible, the suit that was supposed to keep Rhodey safe, that suit was currently there and hindering his attempts to stop the onslaught of attacks. Just because Tony forgot that things, namely electromagnetic pulses, could stop that "invincible" suit, and Tony forgot to fix that minor flaw that turned catastrophic. Every blow that Rhodey felt, Tony felt, too. "Wow, can't believe B's being so nice to your friend, he must really like him," a voice spoke next to Tony's ear.

Tony whirled around to face the speaker. It was Nightwing. "That is nice? Impossible! Batsy is being brutal!"

Every member of the Batfam promptly laughed. "That?" Red Robin snorted, "That's nothing!"

"Yea," Red Hood nodded, "He was evil when I was training. This, this is child's play!"

"It is," Nightwing tipped his head in assent.

Tony stared, shocked, his mouth agape. 

Oracle and Nightwing chuckled darkly at his expression, while the rest of the psychos snorted and sniggered.

"What are we laughing about?" a voice asked, that made Nightwing jump.

"Oh, we were just talking about how evil and brutal your training tactics were, and how some of us..." Nightwin trailed off as he realized to whom he was speaking to. "Oh, hi B!"

Batman raised an eyebrow. "Well, while you were reminiscing about old times, I set you guys up into groups to start training, so get to it!"

"Jeezers, you need to learn how to have fun," Tony muttered.

Batman glared at him.

"Sorry," Tony apologized and scurried off.

* * *

"Well, that was relatively painless! Who wants a sticker?" Red Robin panted as he ran a hand through his sweaty hair and  flopped down, smiling brightly.

"Really?" Tony demanded. "That was painless?"

"Yep!" Red Hood came by and sat down, "Such an easy session!"

"You people are psychos," Tony grumbled, and the rest of the Avengers nodded in agreement. (Except Natasha, because that kind of thing was beneath her.)

"No, only Little Wing and B are psychos, the rest of us are normal," Batgirl piped up.

"Alrighty people, it's time for debriefing for the mission that we are going on with the JLA!" Steve announced to his team. 

"Ugh," Tony whined.

"You agreed to it!" Nightwing cheerfully reminded him and trotted off merrily into one of the debriefing rooms.

* * *

"I have to what?!?!" 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN! DUN! DUNNNNNNN! A mission! Finally! This mission though, Nat really will lose, even if she wins! Or will she?


	5. The Mission Part 1: The Debriefing (At least, Nightwing Wishes It Was)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha severely regrets the actions of her team's rash bet, as she learns just what is required of her to do the mission.

"I have to what?!?!" Natasha once more repeated to herself as she reviewed the details of the mission ahead.

"You heard me," Batman informed her, "You and Nightwing will be going undercover as tourists in Florence, Italy, (Batman noted the irony of that) and you will be posing as a newly married couple on their honeymoon - need I repeat myself again?"

Natasha could not believe it. She was being forced on a mission with the JLA, and she had to pretend to be in love with the man-child named Nightwng? Who tried, and failed disastrously to flirt with her? How could her day get any worse? “Can I pretend to try and be doing it for the money?” The looks she got in response answered her question. “Aim to become a widow?” She tried.

“Now, why ever would you want to do that?” Red Hood inquired devilishly.

“Because I don’t want to be stuck with pretending that I actually like Nightwing!” Natasha explained faux patiently, like it was completely obvious why.

“Wow, Wing, you’re lucky, you got a feisty one!” Red Hood laughed, and Nightwing grinned, “I know, can’t wait to consummate our marriage,” Nightwing waggled his eyebrows in what he thought to be a sexy come-hither look that actually made him look like a complete dork.

Natasha rolled her eyes and tried again, “What about the others? Wouldn’t they be better suited for this? Seeing as how they actually know Nightwing? How about Catwoman?”

“Now, that would be terrible! Why would I want to be married to my mother?” Nightwing looked affronted.

Natasha raised her eyebrows.

“It’s true, Batman and I got married,” Catwoman slinked over to where the heroes were standing. “Not that I’ve given up a life of crime, but I’ve been trying to tone it down, for the kid’s sake, of course.

Nightwing and the Bat children grinned childishly.

“And, before you ask, Oracle can’t because of her injury, and Nightwing probably wouldn’t want to date his sisters, who, incidentally, are dating each other, so you’re not going to have any luck there.” Catwoman put in before Natasha could speak.

“Can he be gay?” She put on her best I’m-A-Sweet-Charming-Girl-And-You-Will-Do-As-I-Say look, to no avail.

“I’m shocked that you think I’m gay, but we’ve already registered you as my wife, so there’s no going around the female-only requirement,” Nightwing interjected.

“I can quit the Avengers?” Natasha tried.

“Okay, I’m really insulted that you would go to such lengths to avoid going out with me, but you have to,” Nightwing pouted, making him appear even more like a child.

“Sorry Tasha,” Clint and Steve apologized, as they knew that their cockiness was what got Natasha into her current predicament of having to be Nightwing’s “wife” for a mission.

“Alright, so here’s the plan,” Batman nodded to Oracle, who brought up a holographic screen with the information about the mission, and everybody began analyzing it. “Wing and Widow –“Red Hood and Red Robin snickered. Batman continued, “…will pretend to be married, and Wing is trying to get her to be, less conservative, and Widow is slowly agreeing. Everybody got that?”

Catwoman nodded, and raised her hand, “One question, though, will any PDA actually happen?” Natasha gratefully mouthed a thank you to her friend, and Nightwing looked even more excited at the thought of PDA with the BLACK WIDOW!

“There will be no need, but it is not prohibited,” Batman said, and smirked at the pout upon Nightwing’s face.

“Once the suspected perpetrator of the attacks, who happens to be a waiter, comes by, you will order, and Nightwing will continue to flirt, making your marriage obvious. When he offers you the highly illegal “honeymoon” drink, you will accept, making sure you took your alcohol diluting thing. Once you leave, and his accomplices come to take you guys, expecting no resistance, you’ll take them out, interrogate them on the location of the Intel, and how the Intel is stored, and report back.”

“And then?” Natasha asked.

“And then it’s my turn,” Catwoman stretched her shoulder leisurely, “I’ll find the place, take, ahem, borrow the Intel using my skills, and return, safe and sound, so that we can deliberate with the Intel and make a plan of attack. If our waiter is not the right guy, we find the right guy and take him out, doing what we were going to do for the waiter.”

“And if he is?” Natasha asked cautiously.

“Then you and Nightwing will return in your covers, and make sure he _is_ your waiter. Then, Batgirl and Black Bat will make sure that his call for back-up never reaches the intended audience, you guys continue to hold your covers. Once he calls for back-up, Batgirl or Black Bat will tell you, and Natasha, you will pretend to go to the bathroom, and catch the perp.”

“What makes you think that he will call for back-up?” Steve asked, as if the mission did not follow the plan, all would be lost, and the trafficker would get away – scot-free.

“We know,” Oracle replied confidently, “Because the guy knows that if their cover is blown, they would lose millions, if not billions of dollars’ worth of money, goods, and weapons.”

“Okay,” Tony said, hoping that they were right, because the deal that they were trying to stop would really affect S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers’ Initiative.

“Anyways,” Batman continued, oblivious to all of the questions among the people assembled, “Nightwing will pay the check, and follow Nat. Once they have the guy, they will figure out where the stash is, tell Catwoman, who will go and inform the authorities, lock the guy up, and join the rest of us who will be simultaneously raiding the two other warehouses while they are getting the guy. Once the middle-man (The Waiter) is out of the way, we can go and blow up the place the deal is occurring in. Any questions?”

“Nope!” Tony popped the P.

“Actually, I have a question,” Steve raised his hand,

“Yes?” Nightwing asked.

“What will the teams be for the raids?”

“Ah, excellent question, and the answer is… wait, what’s the answer, B?”

Batman sighed, “The teams for the ware houses are as follows: Banner and Oracle will be a base, as we don’t need the Hulk for this. Thor, Hawkeye, Batgirl, and Red Hood will take Warehouse Number 1. Cap, Red Robin, Robin, and Scarlet Witch can take Number 2. Me, Catwoman, Black Bat, War Machine, Stark, Pietro, and if they can get there in time, Nightwing and Black Widow will take the main warehouse, where the deal is happening. Questions? No? Good, let’s get on the jet, and we can get started.” Batman left the room with the rest of the Bat Family in tow.

Silence descended on the room after they left, until Tony asked, “Who’s going to tell Fury?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up, the mission is underway! Yay! Some action!


	6. The Mission Part 2: The Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick and Natasha have to pretend to be married - Horrors!

"This is torture," Natasha Romanoff, AKA the Black Widow whined, as she adjusted the strap of her red cocktail dress.

"I don't know, hon, to me, this is just perfect!" Nightwing drawled and gestured to the rather absurd “romantic” setting before them in this, over-priced and frankly quite disturbing restaurant. “Just you, me, and that lovely new set of apparel, which you have procured from, somewhere. I don’t know, maybe, you designed all of this?” Nightwing smirked, and since they were technically ‘civilians’, Natasha couldn’t do a thing except smirk devilishly and retort, “I would recommend that!”, and she pointed to the meal labeled oh-so-helpfully in their “menus” that read: If You Don’t Stop Trying To Flirt With Me, I Will Castrate You.

“Why, aren’t you feisty? That will work out just with what I have planned,” Nightwing grinned at the snarl th at escaped Natasha’s lips before she composed herself and put back her airhead façade that she was supposed to be wearing. “Yep, definitely feisty, yum!”

Natasha gritted her teeth, and retorted, “I swear, if you don’t stop it -" suddenly, a waiter came by, and Nightwing interrupted her with a grin, “’Ello Sir! Say, I have a question,”

“Pray, do tell,” Their suspect asked smoothly.

“My lovely wife here,” Natasha blushed as The Waiter turned to leer at her. “Believes that she shouldn’t wear something as _scandalous_ as the dress that I _coerced_ her into wearing. Could you please reassure her that she looks lovely, and she should not worry about the _scandalous_ nature of the dress?”

“Of course, Madame, you look absolutely ravishing. Mister…” The Waiter continued to leer at Natasha, making her grit her teeth, and hide none of the thoughts racing through his mind.

“Blake, John Blake,” Nightwing smiled, and pretended to ignore the way The Waiter was staring at Natasha. “And that, is my lovely, newly-wedded wife, Yelena Blake.”

“Ah, it is a pleasure. Now, may I offer you our special “Honeymoon” drink? It’s for newly-weds only, and will really strengthen your marriage from the start!”

Nightwing smiled, and cheered inside of himself. “What do you think, dear, would you like to give it a try?”

“Of course, if you would like to, that is,” Natasha murmured shyly.

“We would love that!”

“Of course, let me just go get it, on the house, of course.”

“Wow,” Nightwing licked his lips, and leered ant Natasha, “Can’t wait to see the night effects of this drink, right, my dear?”

Natasha checked that the waiter was gone before snarling at Nightwing, “Stop being such a dick!”

“But hon, it’s all in the name!” Nightwing smirked.

Before Natasha could reply, the waiter came up with their drink and left with their orders. _Perfect,_ Nightwing thought _, everything’s going to plan._ Natasha and Nightwing both sniffed their drinks and gagged, it smelled like somebody just threw together the most alcoholic terribleness that they could find, and mixed it in their drinks.

* * *

  _Hmm, that’s odd._  Batman thought, back at the control center. _The drinks are supposed to be absurdly over-priced!_ Batman shared his thoughts with the rest of the team, but nobody really gave it much thought – except Batman – he ran to a computer and began typing, something was off, and he knew it – his hunches were never wrong. He hacked everything that he could get his hands on and more. So far, his searches turned up fruitless, and he returned to the main computer, but he resolved to continue searching after the latest check-in. “…Well, we could have a lot more fun later…” Nightwing was flirting on the screen, quite disastrously.

Natasha rolled her eyes before batting her eyelashes and coyly replying something - it seemed very realistic, but anybody who payed close attention would have seen the flash of anger in Natasha's eyes. 

Nightwing just never knew when to give up, and the Avengers all knew that he would pay, but in the meantime, he was very much enjoying flirting with Natasha. Everybody felt bad for Natasha, as Nightwing had begun to use his simply atrocious pick-up lines on her, and truth be told, they were going to earn Nightwing a knee to the groin from anybody - female or male.

Natasha, on the other hand, was putting on her fakest smile when others passed them by - pretending to be entranced with Nightwing to the public eye, all the while hissing whispered threats that made his skin turn white as a ghost when people's backs' were turned.

Batman found an inconsistency within the network he was currently worked on, and curiously clicked on the lead. He typed in the information about the search. His eyes widened dramatically, but he decided to check, just to make sure.

Red Hood and Red Robin were snickering as Natasha abruptly left to go to the bathroom, and the look of hurt on Nightwing's otherwise handsome features. He knew that he wasn't making Natasha very happy with his disastrous attempts at flirting, but he didn't think that he was doing that badly.  _Was_ _I really making her that upset?_ Nightwing resolved to make it up to Natasha. Perhaps they would need to play the wife and husband charade again? Natasha returned from her trip to the bathroom, looking as if nothing was wrong, but if anybody actually went into that hell-hole, well suffice to say that they would not be returning to _R_ _omanttinen PaikkaI_ anytime soon.

* * *

 A frightened member of staff who went into the ladies' room scurried into the employees' lounge, and regaled everybody with the state of the already messed up bathroom. The Waiter listened intently before going to investigate, and when he returned, The Waiter took one, long last look at the couple, with the threatening woman that he had just delivered the drinks to, and glanced back at the phone, and in turn, the number of the people that he had just called - it was on speed-dial already. Something was off about that couple, something, dangerous. He sighed, and redialed the number, “Hello, it’s me. About that couple? Well…”

* * *

 Batman called in the group of superheroes and explained his rather fool-proof theory. (Fool-proof in his opinion, which was saying something) "Uh oh," Red hood muttered, and everybody had to agree. 

"Batman to Widow, it's a trap do you copy?"

"FZZZZZT."

"Batman to Wing, it's a trap, get your ass out of there."

"FZZZZZT."

"Batman to Widow, it's a trap, get your ass out of there."

"FZZZZZT."

"Batman to Wing,  it's a trap do you copy?"

"FZZZZZT."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's a trap!
> 
> Next up, we see if our brave and noble heroes' attempts at fighting the good fight have paid off, and if not, well, try again another day! And sorry if anyone was hoping for more action - it just wouldn't work for what I have planned. But don't worry! Next chapter is chock full of action! (Hopefully ;-)

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment, they will only make life better! ;-) I don't know how many people will like this!


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